Stop - It's The Only Way To Get Where You Want To Go.

For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.

 Romans 7:19

I once heard a man say "I thought I was making love to my girl and in reality I was showing my a** to God".  Is that a figurative and literal picture or what? We have become a culture of rationalizers. Most of what we do that we ought not do is easily excused, explained and rationalized away. For example, many people say homosexuality is wrong while they actively embrace the practice of fornication. They rationalize that at least what they're doing is 'normal' therefore not as egregious of a sin as those who practice homosexuality.  They dismiss it as peccadillo vs. abomination. How they manage to pick out the micro-splinters out of other's eyes while redwood logs are lodged in their eyes is beyond me. 


Real talk - sexual indiscretions are among the most cherished. Anyone who has crossed the the flesh threshold will likely tell those who haven't, that once you go there going back is like trying to swim against Niagra Falls.  Like Paul said "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing".  I hear you Paul. I've gone down the celibate road a time or two in my life.  Studies seem to suggest that around one percent of the population is asexual. That means 99% of us have bodies that crave physical and/or sexual connection. This is for singles AND married, Christian, Buddhist, Jew, Hindu, Muslim....you get it.  Now, I'm not naive, I am well aware that scales do not miraculously appear over the eyes of the married - ya'll struggle too. But at LEAST y'all have the marriage bed to fall back on/ into.


I've had this discussion with friends, family and clergy - what are those of us who yet remain single with healthy sexuality and sexual desires supposed to do? The desire for physical connection is at times relentless. Look, the creator gifted us with this desire. One thing I've learned from  this gift is how quickly it can spiral into an all consuming force.  I've shared with you that as a child, I was the victim of sexual abuse. This act created a gaping chasm that for a long time I sought to fill via the same means by which it was created.  The collateral from that abuse was the early igniting of sexual desire WAY before I had the emotional and spiritual maturity to navigate the minefield. Thankfully, the Lord has been able to guide me out of that field.  Since then, my missteps have been all my own. While I am not subjugated to my fleshly desires - I DO struggle. In my opinion, the struggle is guaranteed, but being subjugated is a choice. I may fall, I may stumble, but I don't have to wallow in it like a pig in slop. "Although sex is physical, it's an emotional connection of souls, and it is a spiritual act. Every single act of sexual intercourse is an act of worship. The question is, Who is being worshiped? Who is being glorified through this act? Is it glorifying God or is it glorifying the enemy? You cannot engage in a sexual act and not have it connect to the spiritual realm. It's impossible" - Spirituality and Sex on Kyria.com. I don't know if this is how you interpret that, but here's how I see it. If there is no God in the act, yet one is still "worshipping" something, then in fact the act is idolatry. This flies in the face of the FIRST commandment. Whether you are idolizing your desires, your boyfriend, girlfriend - you are not putting God, the Alpha and Omega, The Creator, The Great I am, BEFORE what YOU want. 


As Christians our journey is one of discipline and self denial. The flesh struggle is often ground zero of this journey. So what do you do? What do I do? I make a concerted effort to stay away from music (that's right, MUSIC), things, people and places that place me smack dab in the center of the minefield. If/when I stumble, I add distance to my journey to wholeness....two steps forward and two steps back. Thankfully, His grace is sufficient in spite of my stumbles and downright concerted forward march into situations. Many of us who are single do not see how a lack of discipline now can result in indiscretions when married. It's about habits - when they are formed they are HARD to break. If you regularly rationalize your bad decisions - when things get hectic you will once again rationalize. We've all heard that marriage is not for the faint hearted and quite often things can and will get hectic. 


It runs counter to logic, but STOP - it's the only way to get where you want to go. 

Let The Good Times Roll

He replied, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” Job 2:10

As of today, I've been unemployed for 16 months. That's 64 weeks. That's 480 days. That's a goooooooood clip. In that time, I have experienced the some incredible highs and some devastating lows. Highs - interviewed with the icon Madonna for an opportunity to run her non-profit. Yes, you read correctly. I literally sat across from Madonna in her apartment discussing her love for Malawi, her decision to start an organization, and her insightfulness on the gift of giving back. Lows - wondering if I have any skills at all when any and everything I've applied for has failed to materialize. My self-confidence has taken a beating - a thrashing - it has teetered on the edge of annihilation.

In my 39+ years of life, I've faced my share of Goliaths (as i'm sure you have too). Twelve years ago - I faced the Goliath of death. My mother never had so much as a cold until the illness that would claim her life came about. My mother was such a strong force that if cancer could be punked, my mother would have played the part of Ashton Kutcher. In my mind, in ALL of my family's minds, cancer didn't have a chance with Joan Chea. When it seemed that cancer was gaining the upper hand, my mother rallied back. She was on the mend. I had visions of my mother speaking across the nation about how the Lord brought her back from the brink of death. I KNEW this would happen. Of course He would heal her, why wouldn't He? Hey, I payed attention in my bible classes, in family worship - this guy Jesus WILL answer my prayers. That's what ALL of y'all told me. Ask and ye shall receive. Seek and ye shall find. I prayed, my father prayed, my brother prayed. Any and everybody we knew prayed, asked God for her healing and claimed her healing. Though she rallied, my mother would succumb to cancer thirteen months after its debut. I decided somebody lied to me.

In 2007 I faced the Goliath of disappointment. I met a little girl from Uganda - Jane Kemigisa. Jane came into my world as a client while I was working as an social worker for an international medical organization. Jane was orphaned under unimaginable circumstances. She was a precocious, curious, wise, chocolate drop. She was full of potential and possibility. A family stepped forward saying they wanted to adopt her but in the end they were unable to do all that was necessary to make it happen. Jane was going to be sent back to an uncertain future and the thought of that did not bode well with me at all. I stepped up willing to take the plunge into single motherhood. This little girl deserved a chance. I didn't have it all figured out, but I decided she and I would figure it out together. I jumped in, started to get my stroke down and suddenly was gasping for air. The opportunity to adopt this child was taken from me as quickly as it had been presented. At this point she had been living with me for six months. I was in love. I was heartbroken. I would later pack up all her belongings, board a plane with her and take her back to her homeland. I was devastated. Goliath had knocked the air out of me.

The Goliath of a broken heart has cut my tail so frequently that the sting has become familiar. He shows up at least once every couple years. Sue me, I'm a hopeful romantic. I've dealt with 'men' who have taken to me instantly - scented my life with compliments, texts, phone calls, promises of a future, what if's and the sort only to see it evaporate into the stench of manipulative propaganda. They have spewed copious amounts of....let me put it this way, it comes from a chicken but you can't make chicken salad out of it. I've dealt with the guy who didn't celebrate Christmas the year we were dating. But not until AFTER he received my gift of a cashmere coat. I've dealt with the guy who barreled full steam ahead into a long distance relationship with me (after I'd asked him if he was SURE he could do this) only to tell me two months later that he couldn't handle anything "heavy" right now, especially long distance. I've dealt with the guy who said he honored my stand of celibacy then got pissed and cut me off when I wouldn't give in. I've dealt with the guy who was the antithesis of support when my mother was in her final hours of life. How DARE I expect any support from him? We'd only been dating for a year at that point. If it weren't for my hopefulness, the word 'love' would take on the distastefulness of those other four letter words.

On the flipside - while I didn't get the job with Madonna - I interviewed with MADONNA - IN her apartment. I was flown to NYC, put up in a very nice hotel and was afforded the privilege of interviewing for an organization that is changing the lives of countless children in Africa. That opportunity showed me what was possible.

While my mother did pass, I was afforded the opportunity to work through some of the stuff that accumulates in mother/daughter relationships. I was able to give her flowers while she could still smell them. I came to realize what is REALLY important in the grand scheme of life. I was able to dot many of i's and cross plenty of t's.

While I wasn't able to become a mother to an amazing little girl - I was afforded the opportunity to play the role that was meant for me to play in her life. I gained real world experience in the world of parenthood. She was later adopted by an American family that has the emotional, spiritual and financial means to give her the life she deserves.

While I am still single, the men that I've gotten to know have exposed me to the world of politics, the culinary world, medicine, music, law, entertainment, marketing and lobbying (to name a few). I've learned a great deal about cultures from the good ole USA to Europe to the African continent to the West Indies. I've had incredible conversations, enjoyed side splitting laughter, outstanding meals, spine tingling kisses, wonderful trips an abundance of romance and have had plenty of smiles about what might be. All of those experiences have made my life richer.

In addition to the above I have had incredible life experiences that many would envy. To be fair, to be honest, and without question, my good/amazing/wonderful/life changing experiences FAR outweigh my bad. There would be no good were it not for bad. It is the ying and yang of life. I never EVER question why favor, blessings and good things come my way - but I weep and gnash teeth when the bad comes. Sounds a bit foolish, no? I'm with Job on this one.

Are You In That Number?

It is said that there is strength in numbers. In North America, approximately 15% to 25% of women and 5% to 15% of men were sexually abused when they were children. In this case, I wonder to whom the strength is rendered - the victimizer or the victim?

I hesitated in writing this piece. As mentioned above, my counterparts are large in number...I am not alone, yet it is still a painful conversation to have - even with one's self. I was sexually abused as a child. I was young....very young. I couldn't have been more than four years old when it started and it went on for about three years. As is the case with most victims of sexual abuse, the perpetrator wasn't the boogie man, some weirdo down the street, or the man hanging out at the park - he was a trusted family friend. As a matter of fact, it's very likely that my victimizer is reading this, right now. He was never confronted, not because I didn't tell, but because I wasn't believed. Actually, I was treated as though it was something I brought on myself. There's a disturbing dynamic that takes place in many of our homes. Often times, things that don't fit the image that we seek to present simply land on the editing floor. These things are later unearthed in co-dependent relationships, victims becoming victimizers, shame, alcoholism, promiscuity, use of illicit drugs, low self-esteem, so on, and so on.

I was thirty years old when I had the "aha" moment that freed me from self- destructive behavior, shame and low self-esteem. I was thirty years old when I realized that what happened to me from the ages of four through seven wasn't my fault. I was thirty years old when I realized that the gift and responsibility of sexuality endowed to me by my creator was prematurely and irresponsibly awakened by a flawed, predatory young man who was likely abused himself. I was thirty years old when I realized that moving forward, I had a choice.

When a child is sexually abused - more often than not, the switch of sexual desire is flipped on. I'll take it a bit further. Not only is it flipped on, the switch is secured in the on position with a firmly nailed in plank of wood. This child's body will crave this connection. Their mind will tell them one thing, but their body another. Given their youth, they lack the maturity to manage and process these feelings. Often times, like me, the child is made to feel that their is something wrong with them for having these feelings, for craving and at times seeking out a means to meet that desire. The desire is collateral damage for the wrong that was done to that child. There is a lack of sensitivity about the reality that this child now faces. To heap guilt on top of a child who has been vicitimized is inexcusable. Think about when you crossed the 'fleshly" threshold in your life? For many who had a choice as to when to engage sexually - once that step was taken it was likely akin to holding back wild horses from indulging with reckless abandon. Sex, intimacy and physically connecting feels good.....REAL good. It's supposed to. God created it that way. Just because it is wrongly ignited doesn't take that away. A few months back Tyler Perry shared his story of abuse on Oprah. The thing that struck me about his retelling of the abuse was not only the bravery it took for a man and a man of his stature to share his experience. It was not only how in his telling of the story the emotion was so raw it was as though he was transported back to that time. What also struck me was the terminology he used. He said more than once that "his body betrayed him". Even though he KNEW he was being violated. Even though he KNEW what was happening was wrong. Even though - his body betrayed him. Those words resonated deeply with me.

The abused child's journey into adulthood and healthy expression of sexuality is rife with landmines. The foundation upon which their sexuality is based is DEEPLY flawed. Every step taken has the potential to swing to an extreme on the continuum of sexuality. For me, I always thought something was wrong with me. To this day, I still struggle with processing what is healthy and normal. So, you may ask what could have be done differently for me? What should a parent do if their child comes to them and alleges that they have been abused? In addition to confronting the alleged abuser and informing authorities:

1. Listen
2. Give your child the assurance that you will protect them from any further abuse.
3. Let them know it is NOT their fault.
4. f you haven't had that talk about the birds and the bees you will need to now. If you have had it, revisit it and explain what they might feel, think etc. as a result of this abuse. Yes, this may add another layer of discomfort to that already uncomfortable conversation, but you have to give your child the tools to combat the residuals of the abuse. Otherwise you are sending your child into battle with a butter knife.

Finally, remind yourself that your child may act out - the way to deal with it is in love and understanding. NEVER make your child feel it is their fault or that something is wrong with them. They have been dealt an unfortunate card - teach them how to manage it. If your child was born with diabetes and their body had difficulty regulating its blood glucose and blood sugar levels you would have a frank conversation with them. You would spell out the dangers in a candy bar, piece of cake or can of soda. You would tell them that their body reacts differently to certain things and that they had to be extra careful. Why hesitate to have that conversation with our children that have been sexually abused?

I am on the eve of my 40th year of life. I have learned much, experienced even more and through it all am grateful for all that makes me uniquely me. My pain, my mistakes and my missteps have the potential of freeing others, enlightening others, empowering others, changing others. What could have destroyed me has made me stronger. The victim blames, the victor learns. My name is Cynthia Chea and I am a survivor.