Stop - It's The Only Way To Get Where You Want To Go.

For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.

 Romans 7:19

I once heard a man say "I thought I was making love to my girl and in reality I was showing my a** to God".  Is that a figurative and literal picture or what? We have become a culture of rationalizers. Most of what we do that we ought not do is easily excused, explained and rationalized away. For example, many people say homosexuality is wrong while they actively embrace the practice of fornication. They rationalize that at least what they're doing is 'normal' therefore not as egregious of a sin as those who practice homosexuality.  They dismiss it as peccadillo vs. abomination. How they manage to pick out the micro-splinters out of other's eyes while redwood logs are lodged in their eyes is beyond me. 


Real talk - sexual indiscretions are among the most cherished. Anyone who has crossed the the flesh threshold will likely tell those who haven't, that once you go there going back is like trying to swim against Niagra Falls.  Like Paul said "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing".  I hear you Paul. I've gone down the celibate road a time or two in my life.  Studies seem to suggest that around one percent of the population is asexual. That means 99% of us have bodies that crave physical and/or sexual connection. This is for singles AND married, Christian, Buddhist, Jew, Hindu, Muslim....you get it.  Now, I'm not naive, I am well aware that scales do not miraculously appear over the eyes of the married - ya'll struggle too. But at LEAST y'all have the marriage bed to fall back on/ into.


I've had this discussion with friends, family and clergy - what are those of us who yet remain single with healthy sexuality and sexual desires supposed to do? The desire for physical connection is at times relentless. Look, the creator gifted us with this desire. One thing I've learned from  this gift is how quickly it can spiral into an all consuming force.  I've shared with you that as a child, I was the victim of sexual abuse. This act created a gaping chasm that for a long time I sought to fill via the same means by which it was created.  The collateral from that abuse was the early igniting of sexual desire WAY before I had the emotional and spiritual maturity to navigate the minefield. Thankfully, the Lord has been able to guide me out of that field.  Since then, my missteps have been all my own. While I am not subjugated to my fleshly desires - I DO struggle. In my opinion, the struggle is guaranteed, but being subjugated is a choice. I may fall, I may stumble, but I don't have to wallow in it like a pig in slop. "Although sex is physical, it's an emotional connection of souls, and it is a spiritual act. Every single act of sexual intercourse is an act of worship. The question is, Who is being worshiped? Who is being glorified through this act? Is it glorifying God or is it glorifying the enemy? You cannot engage in a sexual act and not have it connect to the spiritual realm. It's impossible" - Spirituality and Sex on Kyria.com. I don't know if this is how you interpret that, but here's how I see it. If there is no God in the act, yet one is still "worshipping" something, then in fact the act is idolatry. This flies in the face of the FIRST commandment. Whether you are idolizing your desires, your boyfriend, girlfriend - you are not putting God, the Alpha and Omega, The Creator, The Great I am, BEFORE what YOU want. 


As Christians our journey is one of discipline and self denial. The flesh struggle is often ground zero of this journey. So what do you do? What do I do? I make a concerted effort to stay away from music (that's right, MUSIC), things, people and places that place me smack dab in the center of the minefield. If/when I stumble, I add distance to my journey to wholeness....two steps forward and two steps back. Thankfully, His grace is sufficient in spite of my stumbles and downright concerted forward march into situations. Many of us who are single do not see how a lack of discipline now can result in indiscretions when married. It's about habits - when they are formed they are HARD to break. If you regularly rationalize your bad decisions - when things get hectic you will once again rationalize. We've all heard that marriage is not for the faint hearted and quite often things can and will get hectic. 


It runs counter to logic, but STOP - it's the only way to get where you want to go. 

Divorced and Ignored

Dedicated to Trini.

A picture may paint a thousand words, but a thousand words does not necessarily paint the right picture.

I was talking to an old friend today about post-divorce single parenthood. I've known Trini for 21 years. We met at a Christian college in the deep south. You couple Christian college and the deep south and you get a feel for the fervor and commitment to traditionalism in which we were steeped. We were catching up on all that has transpired over the years since we last saw each other. Trini got married, gave birth to three children, a boy, two girls and....got divorced. As we were talking, she said that after her divorce she felt like she had a scarlet letter D across her chest. Where/when did this letterman effect happen - going to the grocery store? No, at church. It's something that I've heard all too often, she said " single divorced parents are the most ignored group in the church". As a single I have felt that way - I mean outside of the obligatory "singles ministry" which gets and A for effort but typically earns a C- in its execution. Married life is celebrated, supported and prayed for. Singles? You're on your own (pun intended). I know this both from being a single and from serving as a Single's Ministry leader. It is virtually impossible for one ministry to meet all the needs of those who fall under the single banner. Let's see, there are: divorced, never married, divorced single parents, 18 year old singles, widows/widowers, twice married and twice divorced, 40 year old and never marrieds, never married single parents, widowed single parents... I'm sure I've missed someone. All these different "titles" if you will, have differing needs, concerns, challenges, etc. It is naive and presumptuous to think that one size can and will fit all in our churches.

My brother spent 9 years as a divorcee and shared similar observations. I've heard that all of a sudden the invites you used to get to the married couple/family potlucks get lost in the email/snail mail/evite. When the newly divorced walks into church the still married cling to their spouse a little closer (as though they might catch whatever you "have" that caused you to get divorced). And don't you dare be half-way attractive. Men, you've now turned into some lothario, roaming to and fro from church house to church house, full of pent up sexuality waiting to pounce on any woman who will give you the time of day. Women, you are needy, seeking affirmation and attention. You are the single mother who is just waiting for an able bodied man to look in her direction. You're desperate and will do ANYTHING to get out of the situation that you have brought on yourself. Of course, that is what's going on. If it were anything less - that would mean that those who remain married are susceptible to this same fate. That reality, to those who stand in judgement, is far worse than their treatment of brothers and sisters in Christ. It IS unsettling - no , not the divorced, I'm speaking of the us vs. he/she that many Christian married couples adopt instead of reaching out to a brother or sister that is hurting.

I've been fortunate to have a front row seat to relationships and marriages at varying stages. I remember speaking to my brother and saying "I never realized how much of a DAILY chore it is to stay married. Every single day you have to choose to overlook, ignore and forgive". His response "many marriages are one incident away from all hell breaking loose". That is why my wise Aunt says, "you have to figure out if the juice is worth the squeeze". Some studies suggest that 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Sure, that's the world you say. What do the statistics tell us about Christians and divorce? Surprisingly, some studies have found Christians have a higher divorce rate than atheists AND agnostics. WHAT??????????? Being a Christian doesn't insulate you to the challenges in life nor does it mean that you are less susceptible, it means that we put our faith and trust in something/someone beyond ourselves to carry us through whatever comes our way.

There is a puzzling phenomenon in our churches. There is this unspoken ether of shame that is often cast upon all that don't fit the traditional model of a bible thumping, tithe paying, picket fence having, 4 door sedan driving family.

I am very open about my struggles. I am at the precipice of 40 years of age, single, God fearing and am also 65% spirit led and 35% flesh led. And let me tell you, the 35% flesh is giving the 65% spirit a run for its money. Whenever I've had the courage to address the issues that I would understandably encounter I get these "looks". Why is reality so disconcerting in our churches? Our churches are to be hospitals not hospices. The result of our church's inability to address these needs results in the wounded, the struggling, the confused, the everyman/everywoman looking beyond the church doors and worse yet, diverts them from the doors altogether.

I would love to hear from you on your thoughts/observations/experiences with regard to church life post-divorce.