It is said that there is strength in numbers. In North America, approximately 15% to 25% of women and 5% to 15% of men were sexually abused when they were children. In this case, I wonder to whom the strength is rendered - the victimizer or the victim?
I hesitated in writing this piece. As mentioned above, my counterparts are large in number...I am not alone, yet it is still a painful conversation to have - even with one's self. I was sexually abused as a child. I was young....very young. I couldn't have been more than four years old when it started and it went on for about three years. As is the case with most victims of sexual abuse, the perpetrator wasn't the boogie man, some weirdo down the street, or the man hanging out at the park - he was a trusted family friend. As a matter of fact, it's very likely that my victimizer is reading this, right now. He was never confronted, not because I didn't tell, but because I wasn't believed. Actually, I was treated as though it was something I brought on myself. There's a disturbing dynamic that takes place in many of our homes. Often times, things that don't fit the image that we seek to present simply land on the editing floor. These things are later unearthed in co-dependent relationships, victims becoming victimizers, shame, alcoholism, promiscuity, use of illicit drugs, low self-esteem, so on, and so on.
I was thirty years old when I had the "aha" moment that freed me from self- destructive behavior, shame and low self-esteem. I was thirty years old when I realized that what happened to me from the ages of four through seven wasn't my fault. I was thirty years old when I realized that the gift and responsibility of sexuality endowed to me by my creator was prematurely and irresponsibly awakened by a flawed, predatory young man who was likely abused himself. I was thirty years old when I realized that moving forward, I had a choice.
When a child is sexually abused - more often than not, the switch of sexual desire is flipped on. I'll take it a bit further. Not only is it flipped on, the switch is secured in the on position with a firmly nailed in plank of wood. This child's body will crave this connection. Their mind will tell them one thing, but their body another. Given their youth, they lack the maturity to manage and process these feelings. Often times, like me, the child is made to feel that their is something wrong with them for having these feelings, for craving and at times seeking out a means to meet that desire. The desire is collateral damage for the wrong that was done to that child. There is a lack of sensitivity about the reality that this child now faces. To heap guilt on top of a child who has been vicitimized is inexcusable. Think about when you crossed the 'fleshly" threshold in your life? For many who had a choice as to when to engage sexually - once that step was taken it was likely akin to holding back wild horses from indulging with reckless abandon. Sex, intimacy and physically connecting feels good.....REAL good. It's supposed to. God created it that way. Just because it is wrongly ignited doesn't take that away. A few months back Tyler Perry shared his story of abuse on Oprah. The thing that struck me about his retelling of the abuse was not only the bravery it took for a man and a man of his stature to share his experience. It was not only how in his telling of the story the emotion was so raw it was as though he was transported back to that time. What also struck me was the terminology he used. He said more than once that "his body betrayed him". Even though he KNEW he was being violated. Even though he KNEW what was happening was wrong. Even though - his body betrayed him. Those words resonated deeply with me.
The abused child's journey into adulthood and healthy expression of sexuality is rife with landmines. The foundation upon which their sexuality is based is DEEPLY flawed. Every step taken has the potential to swing to an extreme on the continuum of sexuality. For me, I always thought something was wrong with me. To this day, I still struggle with processing what is healthy and normal. So, you may ask what could have be done differently for me? What should a parent do if their child comes to them and alleges that they have been abused? In addition to confronting the alleged abuser and informing authorities:
1. Listen
2. Give your child the assurance that you will protect them from any further abuse.
3. Let them know it is NOT their fault.
4. f you haven't had that talk about the birds and the bees you will need to now. If you have had it, revisit it and explain what they might feel, think etc. as a result of this abuse. Yes, this may add another layer of discomfort to that already uncomfortable conversation, but you have to give your child the tools to combat the residuals of the abuse. Otherwise you are sending your child into battle with a butter knife.
Finally, remind yourself that your child may act out - the way to deal with it is in love and understanding. NEVER make your child feel it is their fault or that something is wrong with them. They have been dealt an unfortunate card - teach them how to manage it. If your child was born with diabetes and their body had difficulty regulating its blood glucose and blood sugar levels you would have a frank conversation with them. You would spell out the dangers in a candy bar, piece of cake or can of soda. You would tell them that their body reacts differently to certain things and that they had to be extra careful. Why hesitate to have that conversation with our children that have been sexually abused?
I am on the eve of my 40th year of life. I have learned much, experienced even more and through it all am grateful for all that makes me uniquely me. My pain, my mistakes and my missteps have the potential of freeing others, enlightening others, empowering others, changing others. What could have destroyed me has made me stronger. The victim blames, the victor learns. My name is Cynthia Chea and I am a survivor.
