Sittin' By The Dock Of A Bay

When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere. 

Learn to forgive fully and love unconditionally.

Bitterness is easy. We've all been wronged - terribly wronged. If you haven't been terribly disappointed, if you haven't been heartbroken, you haven't  lived.  I can remember in my late 20's I was hurt to the core by a guy I was totally taken with. We started dating shortly after my mother was diagnosed with cancer. To date, I've yet to meet a man that i've connected with intellectually, culturally and emotionally like I did with him. I can recall laughing with him until I was sure I'd embarrass myself once the puddle beneath became apparent. We'd talk hours upon hours - while I was getting dressed, while I was cooking, while I was breathing, while....Many of you remember getting phone bills WAY before bundle deals from the phone company. We averaged $600 phone bills. Every waking moment was sweeter because HE was in my life. We got each other, really got each other. I thought "this is what it feels like when you've met the one". Little did I know  that the entire time we were dating, "my one" had "someone" who wasn't me. Apparently, this guy was a multi-tasking fool. While that was deeply disappointing, even more disappointing was the Houdini like disappearing act he pulled when my mother was in her final hours of life. My expectation of his support was based on the relationship that I THOUGHT we had. His ability to totally separate himself emotionally from what I was going through was based on the relationship he DID have with someone else.   To find this out while dealing with the loss of my mother was devastating. I was officially bitter.


I became a skilled orator on how I'd been done wrong. If you gave me 5 minutes, I'd give you the cliff notes on my erstwhile love affair. I told my story time AND time AND time AND time again.  I'm actually embarrassed to think of the eyes that must've rolled when people saw me coming - Debbie downer in the flesh. I was so focused on rehashing, recounting, reliving and remembering the past that I missed out on more than I care to imagine.  My hurts lasted longer than the relationship. While I lamented, HE moved forward with his "one", got engaged and married. During this time, I honestly thought I'd moved on. I dated - quite a bit. None of those guys worked out. Hmmm, I wonder why? One guy even told me "you know I really like you, but you seem to still have very strong feelings for your ex. Maybe you should see if that relationship can be revived." Nice guy, right? Understanding guy, right? Yeah, I missed the boat on that one. I docked my bitterness at every single solitary port that beckoned me. 


One day, a good friend of mine and someone who actually pursued me romantically during my ministry of bitterness, said to me "Cynthia, you really need to get past this. Do you realize how unattractive you're making yourself? I mean how many times are you going to tell this story? What is it really doing for you"? That was my "aha" moment  - and miraculously my bitterness, bit the dust.  Since that time, I've not told that story, the story of unrequited love and bitterness. I can't even remember much of it. When I think of him now, I DO recall the laughter, the butterflies, the dreams of "what if". I remember the good.
There's a saying "by beholding we become changed". Those words are powerfully true. Whatever you choose to meditate on, make a priority will effect you. That's why in Philippians Paul tell us to think on the positive, the pure, the true, the just. A downward, bitter spiral is as close as your thoughts.


I have yet to meet my mate - but rest assured I am ready. My dock is free and clear from all bitterness and ready for all the happiness it can handle.  How about you? Is there anything you've been harboring far too long? Let it go, forgive those who've hurt you (memo- you've likely broken a heart or two yourself. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you). Behold the positive, behold the possibilities - you might be pleasantly surprised who and what cozy's up to your dock. 

                               

Stop - It's The Only Way To Get Where You Want To Go.

For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing.

 Romans 7:19

I once heard a man say "I thought I was making love to my girl and in reality I was showing my a** to God".  Is that a figurative and literal picture or what? We have become a culture of rationalizers. Most of what we do that we ought not do is easily excused, explained and rationalized away. For example, many people say homosexuality is wrong while they actively embrace the practice of fornication. They rationalize that at least what they're doing is 'normal' therefore not as egregious of a sin as those who practice homosexuality.  They dismiss it as peccadillo vs. abomination. How they manage to pick out the micro-splinters out of other's eyes while redwood logs are lodged in their eyes is beyond me. 


Real talk - sexual indiscretions are among the most cherished. Anyone who has crossed the the flesh threshold will likely tell those who haven't, that once you go there going back is like trying to swim against Niagra Falls.  Like Paul said "For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing".  I hear you Paul. I've gone down the celibate road a time or two in my life.  Studies seem to suggest that around one percent of the population is asexual. That means 99% of us have bodies that crave physical and/or sexual connection. This is for singles AND married, Christian, Buddhist, Jew, Hindu, Muslim....you get it.  Now, I'm not naive, I am well aware that scales do not miraculously appear over the eyes of the married - ya'll struggle too. But at LEAST y'all have the marriage bed to fall back on/ into.


I've had this discussion with friends, family and clergy - what are those of us who yet remain single with healthy sexuality and sexual desires supposed to do? The desire for physical connection is at times relentless. Look, the creator gifted us with this desire. One thing I've learned from  this gift is how quickly it can spiral into an all consuming force.  I've shared with you that as a child, I was the victim of sexual abuse. This act created a gaping chasm that for a long time I sought to fill via the same means by which it was created.  The collateral from that abuse was the early igniting of sexual desire WAY before I had the emotional and spiritual maturity to navigate the minefield. Thankfully, the Lord has been able to guide me out of that field.  Since then, my missteps have been all my own. While I am not subjugated to my fleshly desires - I DO struggle. In my opinion, the struggle is guaranteed, but being subjugated is a choice. I may fall, I may stumble, but I don't have to wallow in it like a pig in slop. "Although sex is physical, it's an emotional connection of souls, and it is a spiritual act. Every single act of sexual intercourse is an act of worship. The question is, Who is being worshiped? Who is being glorified through this act? Is it glorifying God or is it glorifying the enemy? You cannot engage in a sexual act and not have it connect to the spiritual realm. It's impossible" - Spirituality and Sex on Kyria.com. I don't know if this is how you interpret that, but here's how I see it. If there is no God in the act, yet one is still "worshipping" something, then in fact the act is idolatry. This flies in the face of the FIRST commandment. Whether you are idolizing your desires, your boyfriend, girlfriend - you are not putting God, the Alpha and Omega, The Creator, The Great I am, BEFORE what YOU want. 


As Christians our journey is one of discipline and self denial. The flesh struggle is often ground zero of this journey. So what do you do? What do I do? I make a concerted effort to stay away from music (that's right, MUSIC), things, people and places that place me smack dab in the center of the minefield. If/when I stumble, I add distance to my journey to wholeness....two steps forward and two steps back. Thankfully, His grace is sufficient in spite of my stumbles and downright concerted forward march into situations. Many of us who are single do not see how a lack of discipline now can result in indiscretions when married. It's about habits - when they are formed they are HARD to break. If you regularly rationalize your bad decisions - when things get hectic you will once again rationalize. We've all heard that marriage is not for the faint hearted and quite often things can and will get hectic. 


It runs counter to logic, but STOP - it's the only way to get where you want to go. 

Suit Up. It's On.

Dedicated to Michael.

There's a reason why it's called the 'dating game'. While it needn't be a zero sum contest, don't get it twisted,  more often than not, someone has the advantage and someone does not. However, that doesn't mean that two can't make it work. Successful romantic relationships are possible.  Love, ( the progressive extrapolation of dating) is a contact sport. There's no way to be in it to win it and not be at risk. There is no equity without investment. You can deny it if you want, but you would be best served to suit up in your most protective gear and keep your eye on the ball (lest it knock you upside you pretty little head).  You can't win the penant, the trophy, the title, the ring without being committed to AND active in the game.

I grew up in San Francisco during the years the 49ers dominated the NFL. Freddie Solomon, Dwight Clark, Ronnie Lott, Jerry Rice, Steve Young and Joe Montana were led by the marvelous Bill Walsh. As a little girl, I would watch them play and while not really knowing what was going on, I knew the 9'ers were somethin' special. I was a fan, and that was an effortless undertaking given their record. From my limited understanding and comfortable ignorance, the game was easy.

In the late 90's, I dated a man who was a HUGE Jets fan.  In a closeted fashion I jumped on board. Why closeted? Because the Jets SUCKED. I didn't get it. I would dutifully watch the games with him and would observe him going through a range of emotions. Why was he so committed to this team? Every week Bill Parcell's looked like he was going to have a coronary on the sidelines and the Jets looked like the adult football version of the bad news bears. Yet, there he sat, week after week, believing that brighter days were ahead for his beloved Jets. He loved them, he wanted me to love them, he wanted me to love the game. It was at his feet (okay, on his couch), that I learned the intricacies, the history, the game of football. Touchbacks - √, special teams - √, off sides - √, calling an audible - √. I was SO excited.  I wasn't the long-suffering girlfriend tolerating the weekly games - I was one of THEM now and LOVING it.  I got why week after week, he believed that on any given Sunday it could all change. The game was much more than luck. It was much more than a combination of players that were big & strapping, agile & leith and the swift footed. It was about focus, commitment, and teamwork.

In the game, be your position offense or defense, every player has a role, and these roles are interdependent.  In order to advance/to hold back, to get that first down/to block that first down, to succeed in that passing or running game/to intercept or stop that pass and/or running game,  people MUST work together - otherwise the entire effort is futile. Even still, we all know that even when the best laid plans are made - challenges and losses still occur. When it comes to the 'love' variety of the game, the problem is that we continue with the offense/defense mindset vs. the teamwork "we're in this thing together" mindset. Many women operate with the all or nothing mindset. We are so focused on the end result, we fail to truly learn and master the nuances - read the play, call an audible, slow things down and take ourselves out of the game when necessary. We stay ALL UP in the game though we are at the 2 minute warning and down by 20 points. As a matter of fact, we'll play through the 2 minute warning and demand overtime. Many men get drafted (franchise no less), gear up, get in formation, and lose focus. They begin to throw interception after interception (aka sabotage), rather than regroup, refocus and recommit. Rather than walking away from the game with their head held high and their integrity intact, they end up leaving the game having made a mess of it.  They are the ones that become famous. NOT for their stellar performance, but rather their abysmal, short-sighted strategies. These men have thus cemented their place in the losers hall of fame.

I learned A LOT from my Jets loving boyfriend. The game, (should you suit up), is about focus,  commitment and teamwork. It's about believing that it CAN be done.  In spite of the odds, in spite of the mistakes. Not that there won't be challenges, it's about meeting those challenges together. The effort, the lessons, the reward, is worth it.

By the way, one year after Bill Parcells became coach, the Jets would place 1st in their division. I am convinced Michael's allegiance played a role:-)

The dating game,  I've got my gear on - who's with me?