Suit Up. It's On.

Dedicated to Michael.

There's a reason why it's called the 'dating game'. While it needn't be a zero sum contest, don't get it twisted,  more often than not, someone has the advantage and someone does not. However, that doesn't mean that two can't make it work. Successful romantic relationships are possible.  Love, ( the progressive extrapolation of dating) is a contact sport. There's no way to be in it to win it and not be at risk. There is no equity without investment. You can deny it if you want, but you would be best served to suit up in your most protective gear and keep your eye on the ball (lest it knock you upside you pretty little head).  You can't win the penant, the trophy, the title, the ring without being committed to AND active in the game.

I grew up in San Francisco during the years the 49ers dominated the NFL. Freddie Solomon, Dwight Clark, Ronnie Lott, Jerry Rice, Steve Young and Joe Montana were led by the marvelous Bill Walsh. As a little girl, I would watch them play and while not really knowing what was going on, I knew the 9'ers were somethin' special. I was a fan, and that was an effortless undertaking given their record. From my limited understanding and comfortable ignorance, the game was easy.

In the late 90's, I dated a man who was a HUGE Jets fan.  In a closeted fashion I jumped on board. Why closeted? Because the Jets SUCKED. I didn't get it. I would dutifully watch the games with him and would observe him going through a range of emotions. Why was he so committed to this team? Every week Bill Parcell's looked like he was going to have a coronary on the sidelines and the Jets looked like the adult football version of the bad news bears. Yet, there he sat, week after week, believing that brighter days were ahead for his beloved Jets. He loved them, he wanted me to love them, he wanted me to love the game. It was at his feet (okay, on his couch), that I learned the intricacies, the history, the game of football. Touchbacks - √, special teams - √, off sides - √, calling an audible - √. I was SO excited.  I wasn't the long-suffering girlfriend tolerating the weekly games - I was one of THEM now and LOVING it.  I got why week after week, he believed that on any given Sunday it could all change. The game was much more than luck. It was much more than a combination of players that were big & strapping, agile & leith and the swift footed. It was about focus, commitment, and teamwork.

In the game, be your position offense or defense, every player has a role, and these roles are interdependent.  In order to advance/to hold back, to get that first down/to block that first down, to succeed in that passing or running game/to intercept or stop that pass and/or running game,  people MUST work together - otherwise the entire effort is futile. Even still, we all know that even when the best laid plans are made - challenges and losses still occur. When it comes to the 'love' variety of the game, the problem is that we continue with the offense/defense mindset vs. the teamwork "we're in this thing together" mindset. Many women operate with the all or nothing mindset. We are so focused on the end result, we fail to truly learn and master the nuances - read the play, call an audible, slow things down and take ourselves out of the game when necessary. We stay ALL UP in the game though we are at the 2 minute warning and down by 20 points. As a matter of fact, we'll play through the 2 minute warning and demand overtime. Many men get drafted (franchise no less), gear up, get in formation, and lose focus. They begin to throw interception after interception (aka sabotage), rather than regroup, refocus and recommit. Rather than walking away from the game with their head held high and their integrity intact, they end up leaving the game having made a mess of it.  They are the ones that become famous. NOT for their stellar performance, but rather their abysmal, short-sighted strategies. These men have thus cemented their place in the losers hall of fame.

I learned A LOT from my Jets loving boyfriend. The game, (should you suit up), is about focus,  commitment and teamwork. It's about believing that it CAN be done.  In spite of the odds, in spite of the mistakes. Not that there won't be challenges, it's about meeting those challenges together. The effort, the lessons, the reward, is worth it.

By the way, one year after Bill Parcells became coach, the Jets would place 1st in their division. I am convinced Michael's allegiance played a role:-)

The dating game,  I've got my gear on - who's with me?

Pigs DO NOT Fly - Trust Me, I've Done The Research

Contrary to what the picture to the right depicts - pigs DO NOT fly. Now before I get letters from the anti-pig defamation league or the anti "is she calling men pigs via a metaphor?" league - hear me out.

First of all, the hyperbole of the aerial swine has been around for a good minute . The phrase is thought to come from a 16th century Scottish proverb. Is it because there are similarities between the pig and the bird? "Birds and Pigs do not possess sweat glands in their skin. Except for this there are no similarities. Pigs will never fly, or lay eggs. "When pigs fly" is an adynaton, a way of saying that something will never happen. The phrase is often used for humorous effect, to scoff at over-ambition". I wonder if the originator of the term understood the intricacies of the physical and physiological limitations on pigs. Or did they just see a fleshy, wallowing, grunting mess and conclude the likelihood of a pig "rising" above its predicament was beyond impossible. Pigs CANNOT and DO NOT fly. Why would you want them to anyway? Pigs do what they were born to do. To do otherwise would make a pig, not a pig. Pigs corpulent bodies were made for land. Pigs are born to be slaughtered. The agility, lightness and wings possessed by birds are not transferable to pigs. Thank goodness, the thought of that freaks me out. Domestic pigs range between 110-770 pounds. Can you imagine a 200 pound pig flying through the sky?

Now eagles are a different story altogether. They are not quite as large in number as the lowly pig, yet they are nowhere near extinction. There are plenty of eagles to be found.

The eagle shows four characteristics:

Vision - The eagle's eyes can see great distances. They can also directly into the sun without being blinded.
*Disapora Muse says: The person for you will see beyond the superficial, beyond what others see and will overlook that which is not important. They will see your value and will act accordingly.

Eagles Never Eat Dead Meat- You will never see an eagle eating meat that it did not kill. An eagle is not a scavenger. It hunts for and kills its own food. It hunts for the prey while it's warm and alive.
*Diaspora Muse says: The person for you will not mess over you. The person for you will not take advantage of your hurts for their benefit. They will treat you as the blessing that you are.

Looks For & Flies Into Storms - As storms approach, lesser birds head for cover, but the might eagle spreads its wings and with a great cry mounts upon the powerful updrafts, soaring to heights of glory. Eagles use the storm to lift him to these great heights.
*Diaspora Muse says: The person for you will be there in the good and bad times. They will be your shoulder to cry on. They will be your encourager and cheerleader. They will be the wind beneath your wings.

Very Gentle & Attentive To Their Young - The eagle is known for its ferocity, yet no member of the bird family is more gently and attentive to its young. At just the right time, the mother eagle begins to teach her eaglets how to fly. She gathers an eaglet onto her back, and spreading her wings, flies high. Suddenly she swoops out from under the eaglet and as it falls, it gradually learns what its wings are for until the mother catches it once again on her wings. The process is repeated. If the young is slow to learn or cowardly, she returns him to the nest, and begins to tear it apart, until there is nothing left for the eaglet to cling to. Then she nudges him off the cliff.
*Diaspora Muse says: While we are all capable of an intermittent trip, the person for you will know when to step up and when to fall back. Your welfare and well being will rank high on their list of priorities. They will be there for the gentle push or slight nudge you need - their care and later their love for you will temper their interaction.

In my opinion, aspiring to crack the flying pig code is part of the woman's nature. We specialize in making the impossible, possible. It is both the blessing and curse of being a woman. It is a blessing because we find a way to make things happen. Give a woman a can of beans, a handful of rice and an onion and we will prepare you a delectable meal. We figure out how to get things done in no win situations. We are resourceful. It is a curse because there are times when you simply need to walk away. We hang around thinking things will change. In my observation, women find it HARD to walk away. Especially when the foundation of the relationship is founded on sketchy ground..cue Effie singing "And I Am Telling You". Traditionalists will use the aforementioned as support of the argument that women are to be found and sought after, women are to be courted. Unfortunately, nowadays it is quite common for women to take on the man's role of the pursuer. On the flip-side, and in my humble opinion, quite often men make the mistake of entertaining women just because they are there and/or this particular woman may not require much. At times men entertain relationships because of convenience. The man becomes an eagle donning a pig suit. I don't know about y'all but I want to be wanted in totality. I don't want you to be with me just because nor do I want you with me hoping I will change. In my early 30's I came to a conclusion- for every piece of boom boom cheese there's a piece of moley bread. In other words there is someone for everyone. Because something doesn't work out doesn't mean there's something wrong with you OR the other person. It simply means you all aren't meant for each other. Let that person go and find/allow yourself to be discovered by the one who will make your heart soar!

It is virtually impossible to mistake a pig for an eagle. Stop trying to make pigs fly. Make it easy on yourselves - link up with an eagle. Trust me, I've done the research.

Oprah & Gayle - Gay or Nay?

With all due respect to alternative lifestyles, I feel compelled to address the murmurs of what many find as Oprah & Gayle's disconcertingly close relationship. For the record, I get it....I get them...I love them...I am JUST like them. Stacy Campbell Marshall is the apple of my eye. There is no one that understands my layers like she does. If I have $1.00 Stacy has $1.00. If we go on a trip and there's a twin bed to share, we'll figure it out. Stacy is my greatest confidant, cheerleader, advisor, blackhead wrangler and, wait for it - SOULMATE. Yep, I said it...soulmate. I've said this about her numerous times and every time I speak these words, tears come to my eyes. The amazing thing about Stacy is that her personality and radiance are so immense that despite the fact that countless people draw from her light, she still manages to light my life with joy, support, laughter and love! Stacy and I have discussed this preoccupation with Oprah and Gayle's sexual orientation. We both feel sad for any woman who has not experienced the warmth and the cradle of a friendship where you can be your vulnerable self, your ugly self, your confused self, where you can be you.

I am sad to say that I have let Stacy down, but she's forgiven and loved me in spite of my shortcomings. Stacy has forgiven me for things I've found hard to forgive myself for. Who wouldn't want that type of love and acceptance? Why must we label something unseemingly for that which we can't understand? Now, don't misinterpret what I'm saying - if Oprah and Gayle were/are gay that's their business. I'm not labeling alternative lifestyles as unseemingly, I'm saying how twisted are WE as a society that the beauty of an incredibly close friendship is looked at with skepticism? Why MUST it be sexual?

Stacy got married August of 2008 - it was a happy and sad day for me. Happy because I had the honor of standing as her Maid of Honor (if you knew the number of friends Stacy has you'd be impressed too), and happy that she'd found her Boaz. Sad, because my place in her life would understandably shift with priority given to her other soulmate - Dr. Dwight Marshall. Amazingly, not much changed - Dwight welcomed me into their circle, not threatened, but appreciative of our friendship. In August of 2010 Dane Alexander Marshall was born. Again, I braced for the change and again, amazingly not much has changed. I am now a proud Aunt to a brown sugar cake little boy. What a gift, what a blessing, what a treasure - i've got a soulmate and her name is Stacy Campbell Marshall!