Dedicated to Trini.
A picture may paint a thousand words, but a thousand words does not necessarily paint the right picture.
I was talking to an old friend today about post-divorce single parenthood. I've known Trini for 21 years. We met at a Christian college in the deep south. You couple Christian college and the deep south and you get a feel for the fervor and commitment to traditionalism in which we were steeped. We were catching up on all that has transpired over the years since we last saw each other. Trini got married, gave birth to three children, a boy, two girls and....got divorced. As we were talking, she said that after her divorce she felt like she had a scarlet letter D across her chest. Where/when did this letterman effect happen - going to the grocery store? No, at church. It's something that I've heard all too often, she said " single divorced parents are the most ignored group in the church". As a single I have felt that way - I mean outside of the obligatory "singles ministry" which gets and A for effort but typically earns a C- in its execution. Married life is celebrated, supported and prayed for. Singles? You're on your own (pun intended). I know this both from being a single and from serving as a Single's Ministry leader. It is virtually impossible for one ministry to meet all the needs of those who fall under the single banner. Let's see, there are: divorced, never married, divorced single parents, 18 year old singles, widows/widowers, twice married and twice divorced, 40 year old and never marrieds, never married single parents, widowed single parents... I'm sure I've missed someone. All these different "titles" if you will, have differing needs, concerns, challenges, etc. It is naive and presumptuous to think that one size can and will fit all in our churches.
My brother spent 9 years as a divorcee and shared similar observations. I've heard that all of a sudden the invites you used to get to the married couple/family potlucks get lost in the email/snail mail/evite. When the newly divorced walks into church the still married cling to their spouse a little closer (as though they might catch whatever you "have" that caused you to get divorced). And don't you dare be half-way attractive. Men, you've now turned into some lothario, roaming to and fro from church house to church house, full of pent up sexuality waiting to pounce on any woman who will give you the time of day. Women, you are needy, seeking affirmation and attention. You are the single mother who is just waiting for an able bodied man to look in her direction. You're desperate and will do ANYTHING to get out of the situation that you have brought on yourself. Of course, that is what's going on. If it were anything less - that would mean that those who remain married are susceptible to this same fate. That reality, to those who stand in judgement, is far worse than their treatment of brothers and sisters in Christ. It IS unsettling - no , not the divorced, I'm speaking of the us vs. he/she that many Christian married couples adopt instead of reaching out to a brother or sister that is hurting.
I've been fortunate to have a front row seat to relationships and marriages at varying stages. I remember speaking to my brother and saying "I never realized how much of a DAILY chore it is to stay married. Every single day you have to choose to overlook, ignore and forgive". His response "many marriages are one incident away from all hell breaking loose". That is why my wise Aunt says, "you have to figure out if the juice is worth the squeeze". Some studies suggest that 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Sure, that's the world you say. What do the statistics tell us about Christians and divorce? Surprisingly, some studies have found Christians have a higher divorce rate than atheists AND agnostics. WHAT??????????? Being a Christian doesn't insulate you to the challenges in life nor does it mean that you are less susceptible, it means that we put our faith and trust in something/someone beyond ourselves to carry us through whatever comes our way.
There is a puzzling phenomenon in our churches. There is this unspoken ether of shame that is often cast upon all that don't fit the traditional model of a bible thumping, tithe paying, picket fence having, 4 door sedan driving family.
I am very open about my struggles. I am at the precipice of 40 years of age, single, God fearing and am also 65% spirit led and 35% flesh led. And let me tell you, the 35% flesh is giving the 65% spirit a run for its money. Whenever I've had the courage to address the issues that I would understandably encounter I get these "looks". Why is reality so disconcerting in our churches? Our churches are to be hospitals not hospices. The result of our church's inability to address these needs results in the wounded, the struggling, the confused, the everyman/everywoman looking beyond the church doors and worse yet, diverts them from the doors altogether.
I would love to hear from you on your thoughts/observations/experiences with regard to church life post-divorce.
