Dedicated to Trini.
A picture may paint a thousand words, but a thousand words does not necessarily paint the right picture.
I was talking to an old friend today about post-divorce single parenthood. I've known Trini for 21 years. We met at a Christian college in the deep south. You couple Christian college and the deep south and you get a feel for the fervor and commitment to traditionalism in which we were steeped. We were catching up on all that has transpired over the years since we last saw each other. Trini got married, gave birth to three children, a boy, two girls and....got divorced. As we were talking, she said that after her divorce she felt like she had a scarlet letter D across her chest. Where/when did this letterman effect happen - going to the grocery store? No, at church. It's something that I've heard all too often, she said " single divorced parents are the most ignored group in the church". As a single I have felt that way - I mean outside of the obligatory "singles ministry" which gets and A for effort but typically earns a C- in its execution. Married life is celebrated, supported and prayed for. Singles? You're on your own (pun intended). I know this both from being a single and from serving as a Single's Ministry leader. It is virtually impossible for one ministry to meet all the needs of those who fall under the single banner. Let's see, there are: divorced, never married, divorced single parents, 18 year old singles, widows/widowers, twice married and twice divorced, 40 year old and never marrieds, never married single parents, widowed single parents... I'm sure I've missed someone. All these different "titles" if you will, have differing needs, concerns, challenges, etc. It is naive and presumptuous to think that one size can and will fit all in our churches.
My brother spent 9 years as a divorcee and shared similar observations. I've heard that all of a sudden the invites you used to get to the married couple/family potlucks get lost in the email/snail mail/evite. When the newly divorced walks into church the still married cling to their spouse a little closer (as though they might catch whatever you "have" that caused you to get divorced). And don't you dare be half-way attractive. Men, you've now turned into some lothario, roaming to and fro from church house to church house, full of pent up sexuality waiting to pounce on any woman who will give you the time of day. Women, you are needy, seeking affirmation and attention. You are the single mother who is just waiting for an able bodied man to look in her direction. You're desperate and will do ANYTHING to get out of the situation that you have brought on yourself. Of course, that is what's going on. If it were anything less - that would mean that those who remain married are susceptible to this same fate. That reality, to those who stand in judgement, is far worse than their treatment of brothers and sisters in Christ. It IS unsettling - no , not the divorced, I'm speaking of the us vs. he/she that many Christian married couples adopt instead of reaching out to a brother or sister that is hurting.
I've been fortunate to have a front row seat to relationships and marriages at varying stages. I remember speaking to my brother and saying "I never realized how much of a DAILY chore it is to stay married. Every single day you have to choose to overlook, ignore and forgive". His response "many marriages are one incident away from all hell breaking loose". That is why my wise Aunt says, "you have to figure out if the juice is worth the squeeze". Some studies suggest that 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce. Sure, that's the world you say. What do the statistics tell us about Christians and divorce? Surprisingly, some studies have found Christians have a higher divorce rate than atheists AND agnostics. WHAT??????????? Being a Christian doesn't insulate you to the challenges in life nor does it mean that you are less susceptible, it means that we put our faith and trust in something/someone beyond ourselves to carry us through whatever comes our way.
There is a puzzling phenomenon in our churches. There is this unspoken ether of shame that is often cast upon all that don't fit the traditional model of a bible thumping, tithe paying, picket fence having, 4 door sedan driving family.
I am very open about my struggles. I am at the precipice of 40 years of age, single, God fearing and am also 65% spirit led and 35% flesh led. And let me tell you, the 35% flesh is giving the 65% spirit a run for its money. Whenever I've had the courage to address the issues that I would understandably encounter I get these "looks". Why is reality so disconcerting in our churches? Our churches are to be hospitals not hospices. The result of our church's inability to address these needs results in the wounded, the struggling, the confused, the everyman/everywoman looking beyond the church doors and worse yet, diverts them from the doors altogether.
I would love to hear from you on your thoughts/observations/experiences with regard to church life post-divorce.
well said! divorce in the church has become an epidemic that the church-hospital hasn't adequately addressed - AT ALL. we seem to do everything but help! gossip takes off, rumors are indulged, sides are picked, but no real help seems available for that couple who we all know is struggling. i wonder if people don't even seek help from the church because they have just lost faith in the church's ability/willingness to support/help out because they feel like the church really doesn't want to be bothered, or that their business will just end up all in the street. there should be a trusted system set up in every church to address the needs of the struggling couple and newly divorced or not so newly divorced. this is life and the church needs to back up its claim to help "heal" by embracing ALL with the love of Christ!
ReplyDelete....it seems to me that staying single/divorced single takes more work than 'just' getting married if only to satisfy churches' or family's expectations. My sister is almost 30 and single. One of my friends, when talking about gifts, asked for a husband for my sister. What got into her mind? Marriage and motherhood for women are not mandatory, or are they? Wholes comes with the completeness of a woman's dreams and giving birth and marriage are not always a woman's dreams. I, if I could, would not get married or had any kids; I would love to adopt kids instead. Society is a rolling snow ball and it changes constantly. I applaud those women that take their lives and make out of them what they want not what society or church wants. After all, it is their lives, right?
ReplyDeleteIts funny that when it comes to love and relationships we have such bizarre views. Don't believe me....okay here are a few things we have been taught---we love the woman but marry the family...love is blind...I "fell" in love...what God has put together let no man put asunder...blah blah blah blah blah...the bottom line is that we, at some point, realize that its all a decision. We decide to love, to marry, to suffer, to divorce....even in our language we make it seems that we are so helpless in the whole process of love.
ReplyDeleteThe church is suppose to appeal to the spirituality of man however most of us know that that is not the case. Religion was created by men for man and it does not afford us a conduit through which to truly express our inner hurts and disappointments. Lets face it divorce is a hurt/disappointment, no matter how necessary it might be.
Having been divorced, the church, some mutual friends and some family members definitely ostracized me. I don't think that it is a conscious act but "is there is no room for the helpless sinner". I say that it is not a conscious because they are not aware of how they are amking you feel. The most empathetic people are the ones that have experienced it for themselves. To deal with divorce would mean that the people would have to admit that while here on earth we have issues that are not addressed in the "doctrine". Divorce is real and if children are involved its even more real.
So many of us think that marriage will strengthen a relationship and I have actually heard people say that they will learn to love the person they are marrying. The truth of the matter is that the bond between the two is what will keep the two together not the marriage. The wedding is a ceremony, the marriage is a legal agreement but the bond, if there is one, is what keep the two togetherng. We don't take enough time to build that bond that special bond...that "perfect" bond and at times we "send" a representative and the "true" person appears later.
Bottom line, the family we marry can either be the actual family or the church family...we need to look at the bigger picture. When a divorce happens the two are broken and they need to mend their lives back. Many are insensitive and unsympathetic because they think that the couple has committed an unpardonable sin. If we loved like we "so call" preach to love, we would love each individual because ultimately we don't ever know what truly happens in a relationship....there are three sides to a story......her side....his side...and the truth! Once we hold on to that concept it is very difficult to pass judgement.
From Anonymous (comments posted on Facebook):
ReplyDeleteI guess your blog topic hit home, so I feel compelled to respond. First, good job on your blog and thanks for taking the time to broach this subject. Having had allot of time to reflect on the divorce experience and having spent time with a great psychologist, I think the only way to describe it is: devastating. For most people who enter marriage with the best of intentions; when it doesn’t work out, it is just devastating on many levels. I had no idea how much help I would need to sorting through the psychological, emotional, mental, legal, etc. issues that arose from dissolving a marriage, especially with kids. When you add in the church factor, I cannot begin to describe how it can affect your perception of your self worth.
For my married friends…especially my male married friends who are even considering divorce; I try to describe my experience for them as honestly as I can. I always start by saying it was as if I was in a routine… an orbit if you will. Then one day whatever planet I was orbiting just disappeared. All of a sudden I was crashing through space trying to figure out where I belonged now. The worst part is dealing with the guilt and pain of knowing that I did this, and wondering if I could have and should have done more. If you’re a divorced Christian then the answer is usually “yes, you should have done more, because divorce is not an option”. That is at least what you believe if you have been going to a church for any amount of time. It is a very confusing thing to work through morally and emotionally.
The net effect for me is that I wanted to avoid church and church people. Even people who cared for me no matter what the circumstance was. While I was a successful and professional man and proud of what I had accomplished in my career… I had no idea how low my concept of self worth would sink. Trying to work through all of this on my own only resulted in more confusion and mis-steps that unfolded over years, until I made an effort to find help for myself. I hope that one day the message will be that as a church body, we are not so one dimensional and monolithic that we can’t understand and relate to your experience. We will do more than just tolerate divorced singles, we will love and value them for their experience, whatever it is. Such a huge subject which probably has a different spin for everyone who goes through it. But, thanks for bringing the subject up. Good job!